I had high hopes for my time ‘off’ when I learned that I was going to be home on ‘short term disability’.

Good, I thought.  I’ll get to do that writing I’ve been wanting to do.

Oh!  I’ll be able to develop these song ideas I’ve kept on the Notes in my phone ad the Drafts in my Inbox

Yes!  I’ll finally be able to catch up the books in my Kindle.

Well, none of those things happened.

I had a number of unanticipated setbacks in my recovery.  I had lessons to learn about pain, as the companion effects of fibromyalgia revealed themselves.  I spent a lot of time listening to my body.  I spent the first two months awake for almost 23 hours out of the day, a result of the steroids they had me on.

All of that ‘awake’ time also gave me the chance to evaluate my life.   I re-listened to the albums that I made.  I saw who I was and remembered the experiences that inspired the songs and the concepts.   I remembered the story behind my own escape from the art.  The silent state that I’ve been in for the past two years.

I remembered ‘home’.  Nashville.  The city that I love so.  My days working at Vanderbilt.  My dear friend Midori and our luncheons of riotous laughter.   Old days of Bobby Jones’ Gospel Explosions.   I felt how much I missed it…and pondered what returning what look like–free of oppressive personalities that I let in my space–and what would my art look like in a new chapter…

I thought about this time I’ve spent in upstate New York…the incredible souls that have become family over the past year…the extreme gratitude I feel for this opportunity I’ve had to live on these amazing grounds…and the healing I’ve had a chance to walk out step by step.

I looked at my babies: my little tea cup yorkie and my five cats: my companions over the past year.  I have felt their love in every moment and have learned so much about what unconditional love is: We’ve walked through a major flea infestation (the house bombing was actually the root cause of my recent illness), their puberty and subsequent spaying, and the richness of their individual personalities.

As I wrote in the last blog, I’ve made the decision to move back to Nashville.  It’s made my remaining time here even more conscious.  I try to drink in the conversations of my neighbors when they ‘drop by’ to check on me.   Spring has sprung early in our area this year, and I feel like it’s God’s little gift to me: a last chance to see the magic unfold on a daily basis.

Last night, I felt ‘off’.  I’m still withdrawing from the steroids and I made the decision to rid my system of all of the ‘helps’ that I’ve been on to aid with pain over the past few months.  I had an intense, almost coma-tic sleep.  I woke up this morning feeling dizzy and achy.  As the morning progressed and the coffee kicked in, the giddiness of the new chapter kicked in…as did some of the questions…some of my insecurities.

Will my voice hold up?  Can I still write a good song?

But those questions pale in comparison with the knowledge that I know that my steps are being ordered.  I know that my lessons are stored up in my inner most being.  I feel them when they rise up in conversations with my dear friends who are also on this path.  I’m learning that true meaning of some of the scriptures that have been used in the most cliche-ish ways.

All things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and are the called according to His purpose.

I’ve been quoting it incessantly…and I understand it more everytime I say it…every time a new door opens for me as I remain obedient to my orders…and I realize that even  in the times I think I’ve mis-stepped, my steps were still being ordered.

The mystery is thrilling…and I’m so excited for the next step…