Tim Dillinger http://timdillinger.com Fri, 04 May 2012 02:56:12 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 the surrender/my times http://timdillinger.com/the-surrendermy-times http://timdillinger.com/the-surrendermy-times#comments Fri, 04 May 2012 02:56:12 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=846 I’ve been in such anticipation of this move back home to Nashville.  Every single experience of 2012 has uprooted my life.  Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically.  My view point on so many fundamental things has shifted, in what I’m sure many view, in such a bipolar kind of way.  By that I mean, the change has . . . → Read More: the surrender/my times]]> I’ve been in such anticipation of this move back home to Nashville.  Every single experience of 2012 has uprooted my life.  Financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically.  My view point on so many fundamental things has shifted, in what I’m sure many view, in such a bipolar kind of way.  By that I mean, the change has been sudden and severe, but necessary.

I felt like I had walked through it pretty gracefully–after all, these changes are things that, on some level, I’ve wanted and known were coming for quite some time.

And then I got the call on Sunday night that I wouldn’t be able to take my animals to my new home in Nashville.

Gasp.

My gut reaction on the inside was “No! Then this is not my home!”  But before my mouth could verbalize anything, my spirit hushed even my insides.  I knew in that moment that it was right.  I simply replied, “OK.  I’ll figure it out.  Move forward.”

I looked around at these five cats that have been my companions since April and May of last year…these five cats that I know more intimately than I probably know my best friend.  I know their distinct voices, habits, the sound of their walks and the incredibly individual ways that they show their affection to me.  They were part of my healing when I got sick at the end of last year and have been such a comfort to me as I’ve recovered.

My spirit dealt with me almost immediately.  Somewhere, even in my house hunting, I knew that this was what needed to happen.  I fought it.  The first two houses that I tried to get were ‘pet friendly’ rentals, but they didn’t work out.  When I left and my family continued to house hunt for me and this was the house that worked out, I knew that it was time.  That’s what I surrendered so quickly.

My dear friends here questioned if this was, indeed, the right house.  But I knew/know that it was/is.

As much as I love my babies, I knew that it was time to me to practice what I have been preaching to my friends who have been in the same kind of change as me.  I refuse to be one of those people who clings  to things and seasons that are clearly over because I am afraid of the unknown in the next one.   And I went about the business of finding homes for my babies.

I know that they were put in my life for their first year and some odd months so that I could raise them & prepare them for someone else’s home that will give them the love and attention that they so deserve.  I know that in my new season that time will not be available for me to give as I’m embarking on a new time in my own life.  To drag them with me into that season isn’t fair to them…and I know that.

Is it easy?  Of course not.

I’ve spent the past two days lamenting, but also cherishing their hugs, cuddles & kisses…and thanking them for all that they have given me.

I have played this Lashun Pace song, “My Times”, on numerous occasions this week.  I had one idea of how this move/transition was going to go down, but it has taken on it’s own rhythm and story line. I said yes to it a long time ago…so all I can do is surrender to it and know that I can only live in it by surrendering to it.  To try to control or alter it only taints the glorious outcome that I know is sitting on the other side of where I sit in it right now.

So many of the songs I’ve written through the years are about change.  I reflected on the seasons of change I’ve walked through: leaving my grandparents church and home in my teens to embark on a road less traveled,  leaving Florida to move to Nashville with no real plan…and it just worked out, leaving Nashville to move to New York and the mystery that unfolded from little seeds.  Each change and all the other changes in between came from equal parts of anticipation and fear…but underneath, an assurance that my steps were being ordered.

I’ve never been more confident of that.  And I’ve never been more grateful for it.

“My times are in His hands”

]]> http://timdillinger.com/the-surrendermy-times/feed 0 packing, roots & all things becoming new http://timdillinger.com/packing-roots-all-things-becoming-new http://timdillinger.com/packing-roots-all-things-becoming-new#comments Sat, 28 Apr 2012 13:16:55 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=840 I spent the past week in Nashville preparing myself for my move.  I spent a great deal of time house hunting, reconnecting with friends & associates as much as time allowed, and soaking in the love of my family there.  It was my first time home since October, just before the 2012 health crisis began. . . . → Read More: packing, roots & all things becoming new]]> I spent the past week in Nashville preparing myself for my move.  I spent a great deal of time house hunting, reconnecting with friends & associates as much as time allowed, and soaking in the love of my family there.  It was my first time home since October, just before the 2012 health crisis began.  Being ‘home’ after such a life changing experience was incredible to feel…everything just was right.   It felt like I had lived the past three years with the pause button pushed…and suddenly, someone pressed play again.

The new lesson was navigating the surge of energy with the noticeable changes in my body.  It felt good to at least feel alive again, even if my body had it’s aches and pains.  I was surrounded by music again.  It was everywhere I turned.  And everyone I saw, especially in those first two days, were singers I’ve loved for so many years.  Sunday night I went to my friend Everett Drake’s DVD taping and was transported into straight up church.  It was like medicine to my bones–and a reminder of one of the major reasons that this move is happening.

I went to The River at Music City on Sunday morning and Pastor Dony preached the most poignant message–particularly at this point in my life–about God making all things new.  I realized that I had spent so many years wanting to throw away everything that was intrinsic in me in favor of something opposite of who I really am.   Everything that I’ve experienced this year has been a part of that death and rebirth process–a restoring of all of the things I thought were no more…a renewed hope in the possibilities of everything I thought I had lost.  I had a conversation on Friday night with a dear friend about how my return to the home of my heart was about me accepting my call…my own reconciliation of my past, present & future.

As I house hunting, I played music on my iphone in my car.  I love ‘Random’…I believe God speaks through it.  Teena Marie’s “Congo Square” kept coming on.  Then I just put it on repeat.  I’ve always loved it, but what made it extra special that day was eluding me.   My brother, David, in New York texted me and said “Welcome back to your own Congo Square”.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.   I was back to my roots, with my feet, both literally and spiritually, on the ground that is an intricate part of my core.  I remembered looking at the address on the back of all of my Rambos albums when I was a kid, seeing Nashville, TN, and knowing that I would live there one day.  When I did finally move there, I didn’t appreciate it until I was gone.  It was in my time away that it’s significance and necessity in my life became clear.    So when Teena sings about how she’s gonna “dig my roots up”, I know what she’s talking about.   As I drove the scope of the city, I felt that my city is not just a residence, but a part of my DNA.

So, I’m back in New York packing up and getting ready to go.  I was welcomed by my brood of kitties and my darling dog, Moja Mae, and the loving embrace of my neighbors.  It’s always hard leaving people that you love, but I know that this move is right.  My mantra these past few weeks has been a lyric that I’ve held in my hard for a long time: “I anticipate the inevitable, supernatural intervention of God.  I expect a miracle!” and know that more miracles are ahead…and that He is making all things new.  Again.

 

]]> http://timdillinger.com/packing-roots-all-things-becoming-new/feed 0 All Things Working http://timdillinger.com/all-things-working http://timdillinger.com/all-things-working#comments Tue, 03 Apr 2012 22:42:57 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=830 I had high hopes for my time ‘off’ when I learned that I was going to be home on ‘short term disability’.

Good, I thought.  I’ll get to do that writing I’ve been wanting to do.

Oh!  I’ll be able to develop these song ideas I’ve kept on the Notes in my phone ad the . . . → Read More: All Things Working]]> I had high hopes for my time ‘off’ when I learned that I was going to be home on ‘short term disability’.

Good, I thought.  I’ll get to do that writing I’ve been wanting to do.

Oh!  I’ll be able to develop these song ideas I’ve kept on the Notes in my phone ad the Drafts in my Inbox

Yes!  I’ll finally be able to catch up the books in my Kindle.

Well, none of those things happened.

I had a number of unanticipated setbacks in my recovery.  I had lessons to learn about pain, as the companion effects of fibromyalgia revealed themselves.  I spent a lot of time listening to my body.  I spent the first two months awake for almost 23 hours out of the day, a result of the steroids they had me on.

All of that ‘awake’ time also gave me the chance to evaluate my life.   I re-listened to the albums that I made.  I saw who I was and remembered the experiences that inspired the songs and the concepts.   I remembered the story behind my own escape from the art.  The silent state that I’ve been in for the past two years.

I remembered ‘home’.  Nashville.  The city that I love so.  My days working at Vanderbilt.  My dear friend Midori and our luncheons of riotous laughter.   Old days of Bobby Jones’ Gospel Explosions.   I felt how much I missed it…and pondered what returning what look like–free of oppressive personalities that I let in my space–and what would my art look like in a new chapter…

I thought about this time I’ve spent in upstate New York…the incredible souls that have become family over the past year…the extreme gratitude I feel for this opportunity I’ve had to live on these amazing grounds…and the healing I’ve had a chance to walk out step by step.

I looked at my babies: my little tea cup yorkie and my five cats: my companions over the past year.  I have felt their love in every moment and have learned so much about what unconditional love is: We’ve walked through a major flea infestation (the house bombing was actually the root cause of my recent illness), their puberty and subsequent spaying, and the richness of their individual personalities.

As I wrote in the last blog, I’ve made the decision to move back to Nashville.  It’s made my remaining time here even more conscious.  I try to drink in the conversations of my neighbors when they ‘drop by’ to check on me.   Spring has sprung early in our area this year, and I feel like it’s God’s little gift to me: a last chance to see the magic unfold on a daily basis.

Last night, I felt ‘off’.  I’m still withdrawing from the steroids and I made the decision to rid my system of all of the ‘helps’ that I’ve been on to aid with pain over the past few months.  I had an intense, almost coma-tic sleep.  I woke up this morning feeling dizzy and achy.  As the morning progressed and the coffee kicked in, the giddiness of the new chapter kicked in…as did some of the questions…some of my insecurities.

Will my voice hold up?  Can I still write a good song?

But those questions pale in comparison with the knowledge that I know that my steps are being ordered.  I know that my lessons are stored up in my inner most being.  I feel them when they rise up in conversations with my dear friends who are also on this path.  I’m learning that true meaning of some of the scriptures that have been used in the most cliche-ish ways.

All things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and are the called according to His purpose.

I’ve been quoting it incessantly…and I understand it more everytime I say it…every time a new door opens for me as I remain obedient to my orders…and I realize that even  in the times I think I’ve mis-stepped, my steps were still being ordered.

The mystery is thrilling…and I’m so excited for the next step…

]]> http://timdillinger.com/all-things-working/feed 1 going home/return to nashville http://timdillinger.com/going-homereturn-to-nashville http://timdillinger.com/going-homereturn-to-nashville#comments Fri, 23 Mar 2012 13:12:29 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=825

Just after a show in the summer of 2009, I stopped by the Motown offices in NYC to have lunch with a friend. As I walked into his office, I literally walked into a box with the sign that you see in the picture above. I had moved to New York at the end . . . → Read More: going home/return to nashville]]>

Just after a show in the summer of 2009, I stopped by the Motown offices in NYC to have lunch with a friend. As I walked into his office, I literally walked into a box with the sign that you see in the picture above. I had moved to New York at the end of 2008 and felt so lost and alone. The noise and rush of the city that felt so invigorating to me when I moved there had gotten old–I didn’t belong. Shortly after initially moving there, I ran away to California to stay with my godsister. And then the music picked up and I went back.

The music was the only thing keeping me there. I missed Nashville so much. I knew that I was in New York on a mission…that there was a work that I was to do…but my heart longed for my city.

The “Return to Nashville” sign served as a symbol to me. I took a picture of it and kept it in my phone as a reminder when I felt a million miles away and like I would never get back.

Another year went by and I was faced with the decision to move back to Nashville or to upstate New York to a wonderful little community called High Valley. My dear friend Elizabeth Cunningham graciously offered one of the homes on the property to me as a place to come and start a new chapter. I chose to go upstate.

The message that I received as I moved was that I was coming to High Valley to heal. And over the course of 2011, that’s what I began to do. I took a job at a book publishing company and began a new life. In the fall, I began to sense that it was all shifting. My body began to talk to me: I felt awful, like it was crashing. In December, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. A week later, things got worse.

I spent New Years weekend in my house, literally dying unaware. As I sat in my living room, I began to receive messages. I was told that what I was getting ready to experience was going to take me home…that I had nothing to dread or fear…that I merely had to ride the rhythm. I was asked to make the decision to live: I was given a choice to either leave my body or stay in it. I chose to stay in it–a decision I had honestly been wrestling with for months.

That Monday, my body broke out in red dots, purple splotches and bruises. I went to the doctor the next day and they did blood work and told me to go home and rest. When I woke up the next morning, the doctor called and told me to get to the emergency room, that I needed a transfusion…that my platelet count was under 1,000.

And that began the next chapter of my healing.

While I was being transfused, my dear sister-friends Lynn & Marion came and did reiki on me and gave me the messages they were receiving. As Marion worked on me, she told me that it was time for me to begin to live the life that I wanted. In my heart, I knew what that meant.

Two days later, still in the hospital, another healer-woman came to visit me. As she did sound & rhythm work, she delivered a similar message: that it was time for my internal and external desires to match up…that my heart desires had to begin to be verbalized and lived…that a congruency was being demanded.

While she worked on me, I also saw, in my mind’s eye, my guides, people whose deaths I have mourned. Most of them were great artists. They sat in a circle and gave me council. They told me that they were happy that I had chosen to stay in my body. “You could have joined us–and we’d have had no judgement about that, but you still have something to give. You were our witness…and you haven’t passed on what you’ve witnessed yet.”

They were right. I essentially stopped singing in 2010. I had lost my will to do it. Just opening my mouth to sing felt like it required too much energy. The purpose of sharing the gift eluded me. I couldn’t help but feel that the fact that my body had shut down on me had something to do with the fact that I had shut my gift down.

So as I sat in the hospital, Aretha Franklin and James Cleveland’s music became my lifeline.

When I was released, I came home thinking that I had suffered from an allergic reaction to a medication.

And then I had a second platelet crash.

And that’s when I realized that my life was forever changing–and the messages I had been given became a little clearer.

There’s nothing like facing death–and consciously choosing to life–to make you reevaluate every single aspect of your life. I began researching the ‘syndrome’ I had been diagnosed with and began finding the emotional and spiritual components that correlated with it.

I began to face my hearts desires that I had stifled long before I’d ever moved to New York. I realized how much of my life I had spent living other people’s dreams with my gift and my life force. It was no wonder that I was out of platelets: I had let vampires deplete me of my life force.

And then once you determine what you don’t want, the task becomes determining what you do want. And that’s what the past month has been for me. Making those determinations are hard decisions. Accepting the heart’s desires means speaking for yourself, taking responsibility for your decisions and being willing to take the steps–right or wrong. And that’s what I’m doing.

I’ve accepted that Nashville is the home of my heart…and I am making my way back. I’ve accepted my artistry–in it’s own unique way…and am setting things in order to make the kind of music and to tell the kinds of stories I’ve always wanted to—the stories I’ve been told I shouldn’t tell.

I’ve spent so much time away from the ones that I love. I’ve let people drive wedges between me and the ones who hold my heart–my own fear of truly having what I really want.

Throughout this time of illness, people have said “I’m so sorry that this is happening to you”…but I have never been so grateful for an experience as I am grateful for this one. I have been through–and am still going through–death & rebirth…I know that I am coming alive again…I feel an energy and great excitement…”I anticipate the inevitable, supernatural intervention of God”….and I know that the best really is yet to come.

]]> http://timdillinger.com/going-homereturn-to-nashville/feed 4 “The Muse”: $6.99 on Bandcamp: This Weekend Only: A Reflection http://timdillinger.com/the-muse-6-99-on-bandcamp-this-weekend-only-a-reflection http://timdillinger.com/the-muse-6-99-on-bandcamp-this-weekend-only-a-reflection#comments Sat, 10 Mar 2012 10:02:59 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=822 The Muse by Tim Dillinger

When I wrote “The Muse” back in 2005, I was so disturbed by what I saw happening in R&B, soul and gospel music…and in a greater sense, our culture at large. “The Muse” became my vision: the way I wished it could be: the world through my eyes, the musical . . . → Read More: “The Muse”: $6.99 on Bandcamp: This Weekend Only: A Reflection]]>

When I wrote “The Muse” back in 2005, I was so disturbed by what I saw happening in R&B, soul and gospel music…and in a greater sense, our culture at large. “The Muse” became my vision: the way I wished it could be: the world through my eyes, the musical landscape that I wished that no boundaries, the spiritual viewpoint that humanity could walk together without volatility or argument.

It would be easy to complain about what is happening not just in the music industry…even the independent music world…or in the world…but I’m learning that the best way I can make any kind of difference in any of the madness is to keep creating: writing and singing about the world as I see it, creating my own reality and living in it…

“The Muse” was my first time creating with that intention. It was the most driven I’d even been in making anything. Six years later, I’m so incredibly proud of it.

Many of you have become aware of me through “Gospel” recently, so I wanted to share this album with you for a special price of $6.99 via Bandcamp exclusively. It will be available for this price through the weekend and will go back to $9.99 on Monday am. You can click on the link above to listen and download.

I’m grateful for your support…Please know there is NEW music coming to you soon.

]]> http://timdillinger.com/the-muse-6-99-on-bandcamp-this-weekend-only-a-reflection/feed 0 coming home http://timdillinger.com/coming-home http://timdillinger.com/coming-home#comments Thu, 08 Mar 2012 04:51:58 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=819 i’ve been quiet for a few weeks lots of decision, lots of unearthing all that can shake is shaking i’ve never seen things so crystal clear

it’s incredible (and scary) when our illusions shatter when they shatter to the point that nothing other than the truth is visible and the only choice is to walk . . . → Read More: coming home]]> i’ve been quiet for a few weeks
lots of decision, lots of unearthing
all that can shake is shaking
i’ve never seen things so crystal clear

it’s incredible (and scary) when our illusions shatter
when they shatter to the point that nothing other than the truth is visible
and the only choice is to walk in your truth
and the chips will fall where they may

home was what was promised to me as i entered 2012
and it is calling to me, coming to me
i am running to it
my heart is already there

]]> http://timdillinger.com/coming-home/feed 0 Thank You for Your Support of “Gospel”! http://timdillinger.com/thank-you-for-your-support-of-gospel http://timdillinger.com/thank-you-for-your-support-of-gospel#comments Tue, 28 Feb 2012 11:39:14 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=816 I am so grateful for the support you guys have shown my “Gospel” (EP) over the past few weeks! For all of you Tweeting, sharing the link on Facebook and spreading the word via whatever means that you have been, I am grateful!

You can purchase “Gospel” on iTUNES by clicking here. Or On . . . → Read More: Thank You for Your Support of “Gospel”!]]> I am so grateful for the support you guys have shown my “Gospel” (EP) over the past few weeks! For all of you Tweeting, sharing the link on Facebook and spreading the word via whatever means that you have been, I am grateful!

You can purchase “Gospel” on iTUNES by clicking here.
Or On Bandcamp, by clicking here.

Listen to “Born Again”, a tribute to Dorothy Love Coates!

]]> http://timdillinger.com/thank-you-for-your-support-of-gospel/feed 0 tell me that i can: a summary/free download http://timdillinger.com/tell-me-that-i-can-a-summaryfree-download http://timdillinger.com/tell-me-that-i-can-a-summaryfree-download#comments Mon, 20 Feb 2012 10:48:33 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=812 It’s amazing how the songs take new life.

I wrote this lyric back in 2000 sitting at my desk at a Fortune 500 company that I was working for in Florida. I sent the lyric to my good friend, Barry Drudge, and asked him if he thought he might be able to set the . . . → Read More: tell me that i can: a summary/free download]]> It’s amazing how the songs take new life.

I wrote this lyric back in 2000 sitting at my desk at a Fortune 500 company that I was working for in Florida. I sent the lyric to my good friend, Barry Drudge, and asked him if he thought he might be able to set the lyric to music.

A few months later, I got a cassette in the mail from him and was so excited to hear this little prayer from my private thoughts in another form. Another year later, his family moved to Nashville, as did I and it gave Barry and I the opportunity to create together.

We went into the studio and recorded two really special demos. This is one of them.

I ended up finally recording this song, “Tell Me That I Can”, for my 2006 album “The Muse”. The song asked for a different arrangement when we did the album, but this version has always been my favorite.

This song has been with me through so many transitions. Most recently, it came back to me again as I walk through the death and rebirth experience. While I’ve physically been dealing with things, the real work of this experience is truly the emotional and spiritual ends: finding the courage to let the old things burn away…to believe that I really can have the heart desires that I’ve tucked away for so long…to realize once and for all, that the person I’m talking to in this song is me…no one outside of myself…

I hear myself sing that last line…and realized that I was having my own epiphany each time I sang it….”Oh!!! I can…..”

I made this available for free download on Bandcamp yesterday…my gratitude for all of the love that my friends and supporters have shown my work in the past week in particular. I’m so, so thankful.

]]> http://timdillinger.com/tell-me-that-i-can-a-summaryfree-download/feed 0 Whitney Houston’s Homegoing/Back to Basics http://timdillinger.com/whitney-houstons-homegoingback-to-basics http://timdillinger.com/whitney-houstons-homegoingback-to-basics#comments Sun, 19 Feb 2012 06:24:13 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=809 I am still looking for words for today’s service.

I sat in my bed with my neighbor Debbie and we watched the service from start to finish…I cried, I laughed, I felt Holy Spirit and cried again…for many reasons. When the service was over, I got hit hard. I fell asleep…for a long time…another rarity . . . → Read More: Whitney Houston’s Homegoing/Back to Basics]]> I am still looking for words for today’s service.

I sat in my bed with my neighbor Debbie and we watched the service from start to finish…I cried, I laughed, I felt Holy Spirit and cried again…for many reasons. When the service was over, I got hit hard. I fell asleep…for a long time…another rarity for me these days. I just woke up a little bit ago…and I’m still trying to pin-point what I feel.

I didn’t know Whitney. I know people who knew her and loved her, tremendously. What I have always felt is an intense connection to her, most likely because, at our core, we come from the same place. What happened yesterday at the service was what Whitney did her entire career: She brought the good news to people…She infused those songs with the Holy Ghost…She always brought the church with her. And I have to say, it saddens me a bit that it took her dying and having a service televised on CNN for people to make that connection. It has ALWAYS been clear, IMO.

As I watched the service yesterday, I felt like I had been taken back in a time capsule…back to my own youth….back to my old church in Florida…to the core, simplicity of what faith is: everything I loved about the church when I was growing up…to what it has always been in my heart regardless of what it has become in a commercialized sense. I am so proud of the Drinkard/Houston family for creating that space yesterday…for showing the world not just Whitney’s roots, but the entire generation that she sprang from. It was not about dogma, but as Whitney sang on her last album…it was about “nothing but love”.

Donnie McClurkin sang until my soul broke yesterday.

I feel ever encouraged to hold onto the simplicity of my faith…it is a peace that passes understanding…a joy that floods my soul….a river that runs deep…and never runs dry….

]]> http://timdillinger.com/whitney-houstons-homegoingback-to-basics/feed 0 Valentine’s Day Special: “Love Is On My Mind” download for $4.99! http://timdillinger.com/valentines-day-special-love-is-on-my-mind-download-for-4-99 http://timdillinger.com/valentines-day-special-love-is-on-my-mind-download-for-4-99#comments Tue, 14 Feb 2012 11:32:21 +0000 Tim http://timdillinger.com/?p=797 Valentine’s Day Sale! 12 Love songs for $4.99: My “Love Is On My Mind” project! TODAY ONLY!

I wrote all of the songs on “Love Is On My Mind”, inspired by one of the love greats…literary or musical…it was a magical experience

This gospel-fueled intro was inspired by Chaka Khan, @TataVega & Sylvester  ”Can I . . . → Read More: Valentine’s Day Special: “Love Is On My Mind” download for $4.99!]]> Valentine’s Day Sale! 12 Love songs for $4.99: My “Love Is On My Mind” project! TODAY ONLY!

I wrote all of the songs on “Love Is On My Mind”, inspired by one of the love greats…literary or musical…it was a magical experience :-)

This gospel-fueled intro was inspired by Chaka Khan, @TataVega & Sylvester  ”Can I express what my heart says is true?”

 

]]> http://timdillinger.com/valentines-day-special-love-is-on-my-mind-download-for-4-99/feed 0